To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can cause us to feel humiliation or shame without our consent. Conversely, withdrawing our consent can end shame-based pain and paralysis immediately. That's because the real cause of humiliation isn't being judged or attacked by others, it's living in any way that conflicts with your real values.

For example, there are cultures in which women are terrifically ashamed if they don't have wooden plates in their lips or metal rings elongating their necks. You probably aren't wearing either accessory, but this doesn't make you feel humiliated—and probably wouldn't even if you were to visit one of these societies—because you don't adhere to those standards of beauty.

On the other hand, many American women feel deeply humiliated if they have more fat than a ballpoint pen, even though some cultures idealize a hefty figure. Standards of beauty are arbitrary. Body shame exists only to the extent that our physiques don't match our own beliefs about how we should look. Change the belief "I should be ashamed" to, say, "I should be kind" and humiliation disappears, leaving us empowered rather than paralyzed.